There are a multitude of thoughts that run through an author's head during the plotting, writing, editing, polishing, re-writing, and repeat over stage. Light the barbecue was and endless reel that ran in intricate and complex stream over and over in my mind. It consumed me in that, I became sick of my own story and it is terribly dangerous when you fall in that pit. Climbing out of this bottomless pit is harder than running a marathon.
I had fallen out of love with my story
After my 'rejection' moment. I went back to the proverbial drawing board. A dear friend offered to work with me. I learnt a great deal from her but I had fallen out of love with my story. At the time I did not understand why I felt that way. My conscious mind was screaming that my muse had left the building and she wouldn't be back anytime soon. I persevered and made changes and then made the decision to pitch my book at conference for the second time. I got two requests and followed through. Remember that was 2012. I have given up on waiting for a rejection.
all the little lights in my brain went bling, bling, bling. Times square's lights had nothing on what was going on inside my brain.
In 2013 I decided that I would pitch at the US conference. Again two requests one from an Agent and from a Publisher. Waiting - nah - I am a veteran in 'non response.' The best thing that happened at the 2013 conference, that shone the stadium lights on everything, was a twenty five page critique with an awesome and amazing author, who read my drivel and gave me solid feedback. When she explained, all the little lights in my brain went bling, bling, bling. Times square's lights had nothing on what was going on inside my brain.
On the flight home from Atlanta to Australia I tore the manuscript to pieces. It was a love hate relationship.
In 2014 I asked another dear friend if she would edit me. "Yes," she said. But that same year I decided that I needed to feed the academic beast that had reared its head and would not subside. So that process was thrown on the back burner as I struggled with pressure of full-time study. My book would have to wait for a little longer. No harm in that right?
The guilt I felt for not progressing cut deeply into my muse and opened a gigantic fissure of doubt that I feared I would not ever return from. I bleed for a long time. I was annoyed mostly with myself for not giving it my 110%. Out of my anger I turned to the inner self for answers and that is when I remembered. I wrote this in 2010 about the writerly-self,
"Writerly – Self-evaluation - the reflection process and learning that happens whilst writing.
Self-confidence - belief that allows the writer to master challenges and obstacles in order to accomplish and execute what they ventured out to do.
Self-awareness – recognition of strengths and weaknesses within the writing.
Self-fulfilment – reaching and attaining the goal of a finished novel/work which brings happiness and satisfaction to the writer.
Self-enlightenment – the knowledge of the divine connection of the writing to the self.
Believably, these are all sides of self that a writer will consider and which will evoke a deeper thought in methodologies and approach in the expedition of writing. This depth fuses the understanding of the developing writerly-self.
Soul searching is a way of tapping into our inner strengths. By understanding ourselves completely we begin to understand how we can bring our inner understanding to our writing thus be able to project our strength onto the blank page that can be the ever daunting stumbling block or thorn in our side."
I understood why I was struggling at every twist and turn - I had been trying to sever myself completely from the writing. To detach my psyche from my body. To disjoin that which was me from the text. I had spent too much time listening to what and how I should be doing things rather than taking the path that was specifically tuned to me and to me only. This was my baby and it needed nurturing from me and me alone.
Next week the final piece of this condensed journey –
What a fresh pair of eyes from an editor can do.
Till then big smiles everyone, Efthalia